The Truth about Tantrums

​Written by: Kaycee Beglau, PsyD

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How many of us were raised with authoritarian parents? You know, the ones that tend to view anything their child does that is undesirable as a “behavioral problem” or something that should be “punished” or “disciplined” out of them? Because, if you don’t give “consequences,” then you’re a bad parent and your child is going to grow up to be a terrible person, right?

If you were raised with parents that sound something like this, you may be inclined to view your child’s tantrums or emotional meltdowns as a behavioral problem, or something that you need to discipline or punish out of your child. This mindset leads most parents to feel incredibly frustrated or even shameful because it must mean you are a bad parent and failing them in some profound way. In response to these feelings, parents find themselves trying a variety of solutions to manage their child’s behavior, all the way from giving time-outs (aka, forced isolation) to instill a variety of ineffective “consequences” (aka, taking things away) or making threats, yelling, etc. Sometimes these strategies may even seem to “with you, as their parent?work,” meaning, they decrease or stop the undesirable behavior. However, just because it looks like it “works,” we need to ask ourselves what is actually going on inside the child that you cannot see and that is being shut down with these kinds of responses. What is it costing in terms of both the child’s development and in terms of their relationship with you, as their parent?

The truth is – and this may be shocking for anyone who grew up with discipline and behavior-focused parents – is that tantrums are literally a stress response in your child’s nervous system. Whatever the original trigger is – this has set off a stress response (aka, the fight-or-flight response) in their nervous system. Their little bodies are totally overwhelmed and they feel completely out of control when this is happening and they are unable to calm down or even process what you are saying in the heat of the moment.

What does this mean? It means that they need help from you in order to calm down first before anything else can happen. This means that when they are having a meltdown, and someone is yelling at them or making threats to take something away if they don’t stop – they literally cannot “hear” this or process it and then simply choose to do something different in that moment, no matter how much they might want to. Being placed in a time-out means they are forced to be alone to calm themselves down when in reality, little children do not yet have this ability (developmentally speaking). They require co-regulation, or help from a safe, secure “other,” in order to calm their bodies and to be able to hear and think and process again.

While it doesn’t make sense to adults that, for example, being told “no, you can’t have a cookie before dinner” would trigger a stress response such as the fight-or-flight response, little ones do not have the capacity to self-regulate the sometimes very intense feelings of anger, rage, disappointment, sadness, etc., that can come after a limit or boundary is set. It is the overwhelming intensity of the raw emotions that little ones feel, coupled with their underdeveloped ability to regulate feelings, communicate effectively, express themselves, problem-solve, delay gratification, tolerate frustration, etc., that leads to the activation of their nervous system and the fight-or-flight response. This activation of the nervous system is then expressed through the “tantrum” or meltdown, which is what is being witnessed and interpreted as a “bad behavior” by the adult.

Once this response is activated, the best thing that you can do is understand what is actually happening inside your child, to understand they are not “acting badly” or even trying to “manipulate” you. And with your understanding, empathy and compassion will naturally flow and space can open up for you to find a new, more connected way of being with and responding to your child when they actually need you the most. It’s all about helping your child find ways of calming their body and teaching them over time how to regulate their nervous system when it gets activated like this.

A big part of parenting can feel like having to “unlearn” the ways we were taught or had modeled for us. And it may feel like you have no idea what to do instead. And it can feel scary to try on new perspectives and new ways of being with your child and responding to different behaviors or big emotions that emerge. It can also feel overwhelmingly confusing.

If you are trying to break the cycle in your parenting, check out the next blog in this series, How To Calmly Help A Child In An Emotional Meltdown.

It can also help to have a lot of support. A really good child and family therapist can help you learn how to better attune to your child, understand their behavior as a communication of unmet needs (and not necessarily a disciplinary problem or a reflection of your bad parenting), and learn new and better ways of teaching, guiding, and parenting your child in ways that will build up your child and strengthen your bond with them.

If you are looking for such support, we have a highly skilled therapist who specializes in helping parents do just this! Check her out or contact us to schedule an appointment with Ali Thieman, LCSW to get started.